The Wrath of Fail

Written by Faith Leanne

HEX is a full of users always willing to put their best foot forward and do what is beneficial for the greater good of the site. People are aware of this and eventually come to trust everyone who seems to be a person of that nature. But, just like in the "real world", there are those who are out to take advantage of the unsuspecting innocent bystander and plot to dictate our community and commandeer the precious valuables of their victims. There are those who use their magnificent power for inhumane acts against their peers. There are those like Cool Kidd Jordan. I have painstakingly unearthed the truth about where Jordan's true loyalties lie and am excited to bring it to you first. This story is a Daily Prophet exclusive.

Jordan seems like your average good-hearted HEX-addict at first glance. A house staff member who spends every second of their time online. Always willing to help out when asked. Always making new friends. Always outshining everyone else. These are not, however, only the traits of a charitable, caring user. They are also the traits of a vicious spy out to get everyone. And that is exactly was Jordan is. A spy for the dirty and not-so-dangerous group who call themselves iSUCK.

iSUCK, or The International Society of Undermining Cyber Kids is a fairly new organization who's sole purpose of operation is to take over cyber communities such as ours in their sick quest of virtual world domination. This may seem to be cause for alarm. Other men in history's past who seek such goals have caused great destruction and devastation. No need to to worry though. Unlike the great terrors the world has seen before, iSUCK is primarily made up of Andy Stitzer-like personalties who are destined to live in their parent's basement for the duration of their lifetimes. As long as we protect ourselves from their cheap tricks and pathetic attempts to weasel into our security files, we're safe.

The results of my investigation show that Jordan is the only HEX-spy iSUCK has recruited. Therefore, defending ourselves against the fiend should be pretty easy. Take a few minutes to take heed to these prudent precautions, and we shall have this spy out of a job in no time.

Use an avatar that pictures a butterfly.
Hang mirrors up wherever you know he will be.
Smash his iTOUCH.

These few simple steps can help protect you from Jordan, the now-outed HEX spy. If you happen to see him, report his whereabouts to the Ministry of Magic IMMEDIETLY. Now that his cat's out of the bag, he has no where to run and will probably end up spending the rest of his days working at Taco Barf, hoping to make enough money to buy the new Star Wars comic book.

Journalistic Integrity?

Written by Nyonasoum Tesair

The problem with being a member of the journalistic community is that, no matter how hard you work in order to maintain and uphold the dignity of being part of the elite, honorable group, there will always be other forces working to tear down the image of the entire industry. Sadly, it falls to the Daily Prophet, as the shining beacon of unbiased, thought-provoking, accurate news in the Wizarding community, to report on the deliberate and cruel attempts to destroy our image. The latest, most egregious, most pathetic attack comes from the fine “people” who run the Quibbler. Through my inside sources spread throughout their administration and staff, it has come to my attention that they are deliberately failing and being miserable in order to try to make us look bad. In addition, the continuous libel and nonsense that they spout every time they touch their quills to parchment is tearing apart the entire community by chipping away at the foundations of the authority that governs us so well.

The problem with the Quibbler begins, of course, with their staff. It has been well documented how much they fail in all of their various ways, but it is the fact that they fail maliciously and cruelly that is really terrifying. From the editors to the writers to the slave-minions that furiously run in giant hamster wheels to power their organization, everyone associated with it is dedicated to the life-long work of mucking up miserably. Their failures no doubt have contributed to every single complaint any of you have ever had about HEX. Our fine staff, the brave wizards and witches who keep this website running are constantly being undermined by the failures of the Quibbler, who seem to seek power and pixels through chaos and the destruction of what we say is right and decent.

Moreover, the decline in the standard of journalism that they produce means that more and more people throughout the HEXian community feel that inadequacy and noobishness are now encouraged. This is correct, readers. The Quibbler is the primary cause of noobishness, and all other associated afflictions. Within hours after reading the Quibbler from start to finish, people will start to use ‘teh’ instead of ‘the’. And inevitably, within a month or so, people will be typing incoherent blasphemy such as, “|-|3>< 1$ $7UP1D… 1 4/\/\ b3773r 7|-|4|\| $4L4Z4r! 91\/3 /\/\3 j00r 1|\|\/3|\|70r'/!”

It falls upon the Prophet, of course, to keep this fearful fate stalled, but we can only do so much. Through our inherent superior, honorable, and fact-finding journalism, we are managing to keep the true elites of the staff away from leetspeaking riffraff, but this is not enough. It is a shame, but I do believe that there must be an effort to boycott the Quibbler as much as possible until they raise the quality of their newspaper. Even though my inside sources have reported that a certain Tori Tendleswift has hijacked and noticeably improved the layout of the magazine, there is simply no way for it to compare until The Daily Prophet takes over control of the Quibbler. Once the fine editors of the Prophet have managed to take full control over all the publications on HEX, there will be no room for dissent or disagreement, and everyone can revel in the greatest bliss that we call order.

Inside the Daily Prophet

Written by Seth St Laurent

The Daily Prophet would like to take a moment to recognize a figure who has been lost in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives, one who has done more to better our HEX experience than many would actually like to admit. The work of this individual, while oftentimes ignored or even criticized by those stinking with the sickening stench of envy, is so far above the capabilities of the average HEXian that it is impossible to feel anything but admiration (or sheer jealousy) for this talented young man.

Now, our loyal readers may be wondering, who is this HEXian that deserves far more credit than he has previously been given? His name is widely known for multiple reasons, many having to do with the fact that this clever Slytherin, Aiden Jakorr, has a nifty habit of stealing the hearts of vexatious young women and effeminate men. No one is quite sure how he manages to accomplish such a feat. Some of our less agreeable HEX residents have been spreading around the vicious and blatantly fallacious rumor that Jakorr utilizes a number of home-brewed Amorentia potions in order to cozen his victims out of their affections. Let it be known that these rumors are false and have been fabricated by a group of rather under stimulated and obviously contemptible witches and wizards who have nothing better to do with their time than weave stories about those whom they wish they could emulate but simply do not have the capacity to do so.

Instead of paying attention to these childish rumors, our readers should trust the word of the Daily Prophet and give respect to the praiseworthy Jakorr. His amazing leadership skills have encouraged numerous HEXians to excel to their full potential--including a number of ingenious members of the Slytherin Staff--and Jakorr’s ability to turn any part of HEX into a work of art is awe-inspiring in itself.

Those who have anything negative to say about this dedicated HEXian obviously know nothing about him. A close friend of Jakorr, Slytherin Head Boy Absinthe Wolfe, says, “Without [Jakorr] I’d probably still be running around HEX crying for people’s attention. He showed me how to not be such a melodramatic brat.” Apparently, not everyone has been lucky enough to merit such a lesson.

The Year Of the Butch Fool

Written by Sapphire Smoke

April Fools. The day where you can pull a prank on someone you secretly despise and play it off like just a game. The day where you find joy in other people’s pain and embarrassment. The day of birth of a famous butch Seeker known as Anacrusis. A day just like any other day, but with a reason to confuse and taunt many. Is it a blessing, or a reoccurring annoyance?

The most notable April Fools prank was played by the moderators of Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley. Switching the layouts during the early hours of the morning, it confused and angered many people. Their citizens were so different, it sure made a large impact on both forums. A million threads popped up within the first couple hours, and it was surprising how many thought it was a glitch. April Fools day is so easily looked over and passed by, that a lot of people did not get the significance of the switch. KAers were most displeased with the bright happy layout of Diagon Alley, and didn’t hastate to show their distaste. A lot of users were also concerned with the store links being gone, and flailed around madly until a post with all the links to the stores were posted.

Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Common Room, they were greeted with a layout that said “Happy Non Prime Number Day To Our Butch April Fool.” At first, some people were confused, but with Anacrusis thread entitled “Ih8chuall”, it was clear why the layout had changed. Anacrusis, the famous Slytherin Seeker, had turned twenty that day, much to her displeasure. Not only that, she was sporting a avatar that clearly said “Butch”, which she was ridiculed for immensely and cursed openly to Kinken and Xeneixian for forcing her to wear it. She turned the tables on a few of her mockers, however, forcing them to wear the avatar as well. Not many people thought that made much sense though, considering Anacrusis was the one so obviously butch. She will deny it up and down, but one has to wonder, could a femme girl really play Quidditch that well? We at the Daily Prophet don’t think so. Anacrusis, you are not fooling anyone.

To pranksters and jokers, this was a heaven sent day that was almost as good as Christmas. But to the conservatives who wanted no part in that sillyness, it seemed to be a large nuisance. Over all, many people enjoyed it. It was a day to throw stink pellets at your friends and they couldn’t say much about it. And really, who doesn’t want to stink pellet their friends every now and then? April Fools was filled mostly of laughter, and it seemed for the most part that Hexians enjoyed the activities that went on. Let’s hope the same goes for next year.