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Interview With the Vampire

Rita Skeeter, age 40, blonde, has had the exclusive opportunity to interview the wizarding community’s fastest-growing star not two days ago. At only 14 years of age, young amy (lmnop567) beat out two older and more-qualified witches in a singing competition. After interviewing the girl, it isn’t strange that the entire population is wondering how she managed to get nearly half of the public’s vote. Singing sensation of faking fraud? Your reporter can only speculate…

Rita Skeeter, Reporter (RS, R): So tell me, amy dear: how did it feel to be a mere girl of 14 competing against two girls who were not ONLY vastly more emotionally mature than yourself but who have been singing for much longer, mastering vocal techniques that you have yet to dream of?

amy:: i'm 16, rita.

RS, R: Yes, yes. Now answer the question, dear.

amy:: er, it felt fine? age difference or experience didn't even enter my mind. but, no, seriously, adam >.>

RS, R: I am not Adam. I am RITA SKEETER, blonde, single, age 37.

amy:: rita, i need to pack. this can't take forever. hurry up and get it over with.

Like many child stars, it soon becomes clear that amy, only 14, has taken up the habit of drinking too much firewhiskey, shocking the public with her unpleasant behavior. The smell was obvious on her breath as we sat together in the Leaky Cauldron. Is Tom the barman selling to minors? You may rest assured that as a member of the Daily Prophet your reporter will find out, bringing to your attention the evils of our community.

RS, R: Now, as a young girl of only 15, you must have had a very difficult time choosing songs that would suit you well. How exactly did you go about it?

The poor girl then proceeded to talk to the air. When your reporter questioned her about this very queer behavior she responded coolly that “mother was talking to me.” It should be noted that amy’s mother is neither dead nor psychic…your reporter has already advised the Healers at St. Mungo’s to check on the girl’s mind. At last, however, she responded to my questioning.

amy:: 16, rita. Well, I tried to choose songs in my range and ones that I knew, or had at least heard before. I also asked the opinions of friends and what song they'd like me to do.

RS, R: And now that you've acquired so much...wealth and notoriety, how do you think your life on HEX will change? Will you be able to handle the jealousy and the angry glances at every turn?

amy:: I doubt my life on HEX will change much at all.. I think everyone that participated in this contest just enjoyed singing, and I hope there's no hard feelings.

RS, R: Isn't that adorable! So young, so naive. Do you think at all that your peers (most of them likely older than yourself) may have chosen a less-talented vocalist as their winner, guilted into their choice by your large, brown eyes and innocent, round face? Not to mention the power that you obviously wield as a Global Moderator.

amy:: uh, I doubt people voted based on appearence.. as you couldn't see any of us during our songs. And Tori Tendleswift is a global moderator, as well. Those things shouldn't have mattered.

RS, R: Of course, of course. And what do you plan on doing with your VAST winnings? And more-so than that, what appealed to you about Slughorn's Piano? Was it just THAT much prettier than the other items? Or was its rarity the deciding factor for you? Or was it generally the sexiest thing on the PLANET?

amy:: I don't think I'll do much with my winnings. I'm not too into items on HEX. I'll probably save most of it, donate some, and later buy christmas presents for friends. I picked the piano because it's the prettiest of the choices and I attempt to play piano sometimes.

RS, R: I notice that you have yet to get your "HEX Idol" forum title. This, I'm sure, is very upsetting to you, young girl that you are at only 14 years of age, you must be very distraught to find out that the glory that you thought you might receive has been forgotten...

To end our interview, young amy took the last question very personally, screaming wildly and storming off to go to “the beach.” I feel compelled to write that she took the path into Diagon Alley, where neither beach nor water is to be found. Future Warbeck? Or our next Albus Dumbledore? Only time will tell, and you may be sure that Rita Skeeter, Roving Reporter will be there.

Minerva's Wisdom

Dear Minerva,
Can I have an O in Transfigurations? Plzkthxbai.
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
I do not believe that writing to your professor about your grade and simply asking for a certain letter will be sufficient in getting said grade. Nice try, but an epic fail.
-Minerva

Dear Minerva, All my friends are getting mad at me because I keep monopolizing the emo corner. OMGWTFBBQ WHATDOIDO?!
Signed,
The Little Emo Girl

Dead Little Emo Girl,
You need to SHARE the emo corner. There are many times when people need to sit in their emo corner to cry and complain, so one person cannot be so selfish to claim the entire thing.
-Minerva

Dear Minerva,
Adam keeps bullying me and making me cry, should I avada kedavra him to make the meanness stop?
Signed,
Hates Adam With A Burning Passion

Dear Hates Adam with a Burning Passion,
Although AKing someone who is bullying you and making you cry seems awfully tempting, it is the wrong course of action. Just spit on them and kick them around until you feel better about yourself.
-Minerva

Dear Minerva,
i can haz cheezburger, nao?
Signed,
lol.

Dear Lol,
No, u canot haz cheezburger nao. Fayle.
-LolMinerva

Half-Breed Heresy

My dear friends, it brings all of us great joy, I am sure, to be speaking once again. Since our last lovely little publication was publicated, I have been blessed by many of you, whether in letters, well-wishes, or…gifts. I would ask, however, that in the future you refrain from sending me feces (lavender-scented or otherwise) by owlpost. I am quite certain that the floo network would be more than accommodating if you requested it be sent to my residence from your own. Cheerful as chatting with you about my life is, however, there are a few intsy issues I must insist on addressing.

I warn you, my dears, that vampires are not to be trusted, not in the least. Much in the manner that muggles and mudbloods parade around in the guises of wizards and witches, vampires, too, are capable of such things. Please do remember, also, that they cannot, do not, and will not sparkle, shimmer, shine, or glow at any time. The practice of half-breed allowance must be prevented by all of you concerned citizens, and this is why I ask you to keep your eyes open for a very suspicious character.

She goes by the name of Stephanie Meyer. The Minister has declared her highly dangerous and plans to alert the muggle media to warn them of her evils. A muggleborn witch, suspected of stealing the wand of none-other than Argus Filtch, the Hogwarts Caretaker, she began associating with vampire society at a very young age. The half-breed filth took her in and tainted her talent for writing, contorting it beyond any hope of decency…but still, she has managed several “novels,” manipulating muggles into thinking that vampires are beautiful and lovable. They are not kittens, readers. And they must be stamped out, along with Madam Meyer who promotes them so evilly.

The last bit of my message to you all today is a comment on wizarding society as a whole. As many must have noticed, that “singing” competition ended not long ago. I have to admit that I followed it very fondly and did not appreciate the end result at all…you see, the young girl who won, Amy I believe is her name, is nothing more than a foolish, talentless, tactless, untalented child with no hope of a future in this area of magic. Allie, however, a dear friend of mine and the minister’s, able to trace her bloodline back twelve incredible generations, with blood more pure than most of us could ever hope to have, lost.

This injustice I cannot let stand and have filed an official investigation of the matter with the ministry. It is only a matter of time before the culprits are caught and Burgundy Vaughan, my loving friend, is placed atop the throne which is rightly hers.

In these terrible days, it would be unfortunate for a family lineage to be…impossible to trace. Untraceable pedigrees, while uncommon, have occurred in the ministry’s sweep to purify our society. I trust that all who might have information regarding this terrible injustice would not keep silent, for the ministry has many resources at its disposal to mute a fib or locate a previously unknown squib. Magic is a darling and delicate friend to few and an enemy to…some. Do not be that some.

And as always, remember: I must not tell lies.